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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23031394">I`d be so lost if you left me alone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragstanz/pseuds/dragstanz'>dragstanz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>RuPaul's Drag Race RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Death, Drag Queens, Drug Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Loneliness, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sad Ending, trixya - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:26:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>879</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23031394</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragstanz/pseuds/dragstanz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is not a love story.<br/>This is not a story you read when you wanna see characters being all happy and smiley.<br/>It is raw and it is real and even though it sucks, life isn't always good and nice and turns out exactly the way we want it to.<br/>Sometimes it is just an emotional train wreck that we can't stop, no matter how hard we try.<br/>We can just sit and watch as it all goes down in flames.<br/>Till it's over and nothing but ashes remain, slowly carried away by the wind.<br/>Wind that goes on breathing, as if nothing ever happened.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Trixie Mattel &amp; Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I`d be so lost if you left me alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I started writing as my personal coping mechanism but over the years, my mental health has gotten better and writing has turned into a passion and just writing for fun, simply because I had so many ideas that I wanted to get out of my head. Now for the first time in a while I´m not just writing for y`all to enjoy my ideas too, but because I feel like I have to go back to my roots. Maybe the Trixya fandom needs this, maybe it doesn't but I know that I need it and that's why I wanna write this story.</p><p>I also thought it would be a nice idea, since I'm always listening to music while writing, to share my playlist for this story with you, so here you go, in no particular order:</p><p>~ Maybe it`s Time - Bradley Cooper (ASIB version)</p><p>~ Dope - Lady Gaga</p><p>~ Before I cry - Lady Gaga</p><p>~ Hold on - Chord Overstreet</p><p>~ The one that got away - Katy Perry (Slow version)</p><p>~ Coma White - Marilyn Manson</p><p>~ Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls</p><p>~ Only you - Calum Scott</p><p>~ Skinny love - Birdy</p><p>~ Trying my best - Anson Seabra</p><p>~ Broken - Anson Seabra</p><p>~ Monsters - Shinedown</p><p>Another little note: I chose male pronouns but used their drag names to avoid the Brian/Brian confusion</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Katya had always shared his deepest darkest thoughts with Trixie and all of their fans. It had never even occurred to him not to share those things. No matter how gross, disgusting, weird or sexual his stories had been, he had shared them all. It had been their UNHhhh episode about secrets and the comments that followed shortly after, that had made him think a lot, that hadn't made him realize something new but rather forced him to finally admit it to himself after ignoring it for so long. Right after the episode went online, everyone started to speculate about the secrets that he was keeping<em>. </em>It wasn‘t really surprising that based on his drag personality and the things he shared on a regular basis, everyone was assuming the worst, the craziest, most fucked up things. Every one of them was wrong. Katya had never had any problems with sharing his stories, simply because he didn't care anymore what others were thinking about him. And because those stories didn‘t mean anything to him. Things had happened in his life full of ups and a lot of really bad downs but all of it was already over so why not share it? His real secret, that thing that nobody ever knew was something different. It wasn't in the past but in the present. Oh yeah, present it was. Every single day. </p><p>The one thing he never admitted not even to his best friend, if he was being honest not even to himself until that day was loneliness. Yeah, he had joked about it already but if he looked back at those moments, it had never really been jokes. It had been the truth, always, covered in humor to make it easier, to make it appear less real than it was. The truth was that Katya was lonely, incredibly lonely, and slowly, steadily over the last months, it had started to eat him up, that hole within that never seemed to be filled, no matter how much time he spent surrounded by tons of people. He didn't lack social interaction, he didn't lack acquaintances or friendships, no, he had more than enough of all that and yet there was something that was always missing. Something deeper, something that could fill the emptiness that Katya felt as soon as he came home after a long day at work, after a tour or an evening spent celebrating. There was someone missing, one special person.</p><p>Love.</p><p>That's what was missing. It had taken him some time to really grasp that feeling though. After years of having casual hookups, which had always been enough, Katya had never even considered that he would need something such as a relationship, want something like that. He was independent, liked being on his own, was just not made for something such as commitment and definitely not able to love someone enough to spend a whole lifetime with them- that was what he had always thought. One day, he had realized that he was wrong. It had been one second, on glimpse of a feeling that turned his world, his mindset and all he thought was true completely upside down. It had been the second he looked into Trixie's eyes and just knew that everything was going to be different from there on. Within a few blinks, a few heartbeats, he felt love rising in his chest as he had never felt it before. Love that went above the familiar platonic love that they‘ve been sharing since they‘d started to call each other daily right after finishing to film Drag Race. Love, real love, for that one person he should never ever started to develop feelings. </p><p>He didn't know if the love for his best friend started at that moment or if had been there all the time, hidden in that part inside of him that he didn't admit to himself until that very moment but all of sudden it was real, real and raw and he couldn't deny it any longer. He loved Brian, loved Trixie Mattel and the fluttering in his chest whenever he looked at him, thought about him or was around him wouldn't go away anymore. Katya caught himself staring at Trixie a bit more often, laughing a bit harder at everything he said and letting his hand linger on his friend's leg just a little bit too long but still not long enough to raise any suspiciousness. Most of the time, he caught himself getting lost in Trixie's eyes. Fans would probably joke about it, say that Katya wasn't even able to see his eyes through all of that makeup but that wasn't true. He was always looking at them, in or out of drag, at those beautiful brown eyes that started to sparkle whenever Trixies' face lit up because he was laughing at one of his stupid jokes again. Oh, how much Katya loved to make Trixie laugh. Knowing that he was the one causing a big grin to spread on his friends face before he broke into a scream laugh that could be heard by rats in the underground three miles away, was the best feeling in the world. Knowing that it was easier for him than for everyone else, felt even better. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry that this is so short but I would really like to know if there are people interested in this kind of story bc I know that most people prefer fluffy/smutty stories over stories like this. It would be nice if you could let me know if it's worth it to continue writing since the outline for the story is already finished and I also have some other scenes written already :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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